in a moment of radical lucidity, i received a series of profound messages. the first message came in these words: “you must suspend all agreements or you will die”. and then again, “you must suspend all agreements or you will die”. this suggestion turned out to be a gateway to a series of relentless assaults on the illusion of my linear world. it introduced me to the notion of sacrifice. it told me that in order to remain conscious, i must put everything on the table as expendable. this way, i could observe and reevaluate what was currently real for me. to make matters even more challenging, i began to understand that i must do this to some extent in every moment.
keeping in mind the principal that matter is neither created nor destroyed, i”ve begun to see how letting go of something only makes room for something else. i have since had to loosen my grip on possessions, relationships, activities, concepts, and most importantly, any rigid notions of who I think I am. i have put chris spheeris on the table, retained some things that were still relevant, and let go of other things that were not. it wasn”t easy. it didn”t feel good at first. as a matter of fact, for the first time in my life i experienced depression. what i learned from being depressed was that it was the signal from the deepest part of my awareness that the real me no longer fit the frame inside of which i was holding myself. the good thing about bottoming out to is that you start to feel you have nothing to lose. it’s easier to risk then. what was it janice joplin once sang? ” freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. ” i never understood what that meant until I allowed myself to be depressed.
truth is a great force. if i listen for it, it will ask me to do things i”ve never imagined. it will ask me to walk naked and to be invisible. it will ask me to die to myself over and over. it will ask me to surprise, shock and sometimes distance those closest to me by showing them that I am no longer who they thought I was. those who can embrace the change in me will experience a liberation in themselves. those who cannot will inevitably be moved to the periphery of my experience. this is the nature of sacrifice – to put everything on the table: my joys, my sorrows, my security, my fear, my attachment, my possessions, my career, my friends, my partners, my family, my habits, and everything that makes me who we thought I was, all in the name of truth and living a life that is real.
©2006 chris spheeris